


Wicked People

by tired_saint



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Nothing else that wouldn't normally be found in asoue, Other, The Baudelaires are the villains AU, They kill most of their guardians, only rated T for violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-28 17:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17791670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tired_saint/pseuds/tired_saint
Summary: There are no chef salads here, only wicked and noble people. I'm sorry to say, but the Baudelaire children are anything but noble.





	1. The Even Worse Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is pretty much the same as the first chapter in the book, with some minor characterization added. I think things will get more interesting from here.

Dearest Reader,  
I am sorry to say that the pages that you are reading right now are very unpleasant. It tells an unhappy tale of three vile young children, who at first may seem charming and clever, yet they are truly ghastly and wretched, words which here mean that these children will stop at nothing to achieve their greedy and malevolent objectives. After the first installment in this series you will have read about a lumpy mattress, a counterfeit suicide, and arduous chores. It is my resigned duty to document these upsetting tales, but there is nothing stopping you from putting this book down and retaining some other form of more cheerful media, if that is the sort of thing you would prefer.

With all due respect,  
Saint

* * *

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book. In this book, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and there are very few happy things in the middle. This is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of anyone who had the unfortunate luck of crossing paths with the three Baudelaire youths. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were intelligent children, and they were charming, and resourceful, and had pleasant facial features, but they were also manipulative, greedy, selfish, and violent children who had the tendency to be able to get what they wanted. I’m sorry to tell you this, but that is how the story goes.

The violent slew of acts began one day while the Baudelaire children threw rocks into the sea at Briny Beach. The three Baudelaire children lived with their parents in an enormous mansion at the heart of a dirty and busy city, and occasionally their parents gave them permission to take a rickety trolley to the beach. The word rickety, as you probably know, here means unsteady or likely to collapse along the way to the seashore, where they would spend the day as a sort of vacation as long as they were home for dinner. This particular morning it was gray and cloudy, which didn’t bother the Baudelaire children in the slightest. When it was hot and sunny, Briny Beach was crowded with tourists and it was impossible to find a good place to lay one’s blanket. On gray and cloudy days, the Baudelaires had the beach to themselves to do whatever they liked.

Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, liked to pelt rocks into the ocean. As she tossed the rocks, she was looking out at the horizon and thinking about an invention she wanted to build. Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was thinking hard, because her long hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. Violet had an odd knack for inventing and building strange devices, so her brain was often filled with images of pulleys, levers, and gears, and she never wanted to be distracted by something as trivial as her hair. This morning she was thinking about how to construct a device that would stealthily retrieve small items from a stranger’s pocket, like a wallet she could use to buy a ticket to the movie theater, or to buy ice cream from the parlor man.

Violet Baudelaire was also incredibly persuasive and a compulsive liar. Like most fourteen-year-old girls, she was incredibly charming, but in Violet’s case, she could convince practically anyone to do whatever she liked. She had learned from a young age that as long as she smiled sweetly at someone and asked politely for what she wanted, she would get it. For instance, just this morning during the Baudelaire family’s trip to temple, she had asked the Rabbi for some of the change that he had collected from the patrons inside the temple. She told him that the Baudelaire’s car was about to run out of gas, and that somehow both of the Baudelaire parents had forgotten their wallets back at their mansion. Being a kind man who loved to help people, the Rabbi unwittingly gave Violet the money that had been collected, a word which here means that he didn’t know that Violet wasn’t going to use the money for gas; instead she would spend it in the arcade along the boardwalk.

Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, and the only boy, loved reading more than he loved breathing. He would often refuse to speak to his peers at school because of the principle that, in his own words, books were usually much more interesting than whomever may be trying to talk to him. Klaus was a little older than twelve and wore glasses, which made him look intelligent. He was intelligent. The Baudelaire parents had an enormous library in their mansion, a room filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject. Being only twelve, Klaus of course had not read all of the books in the Baudelaire library, but he had read a great many of them and had retained almost all of the information from his readings, some of which a twelve year old boy shouldn’t know. He knew how that cyanide was a poison that was found in many common foods, and he knew how much would kill an adult. Klaus knew how to create bombs out of paint removers and acetone. And he knew much about the disgusting, slimy creatures found at Briny Beach, which he was now prodding with a stick.

Sunny Baudelaire, the youngest, liked to bite things. She was an infant, and very small for her age, scarcely larger than a boot. What she lacked in size, however, she made up for with cruelty, and the size and sharpness of her four teeth which she often bit people with. Sunny was at an age where one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks. Except when she used the few actual words in her vocabulary, like bottle, mommy, and bite, most people had trouble understanding what it was that Sunny was saying. For instance, this morning she was saying _Gack!_ over and over, which probably meant, _Why is that mysterious figure walking towards us, and what does he want?_

Unsurprisingly, a large figure was in fact moving towards the children on the beach. Finally Klaus turned around to see what Sunny had been shrieking about, and scowled. After observing the figure for a few moments, Klaus had deduced that it had to be Mr. Poe, a banker and a friend of the Baudelaire’s parents. Upon this revelation Klaus scowled harder, as he wasn’t very fond of Mr. Poe. Klaus wasn’t fond of very many people in the world, but Mr. Poe for some reason made Klaus very angry. Mr. Poe always had some kind of cough which he often went into fits because of, and no matter how many times Klaus had told him to go to a doctor, the older man insisted he was fine. The cough itself also irritated Klaus, the same way a blister may become irritated if it is rubbed hard enough, and Klaus found himself having to resist the urge to yell at Mr. Poe to drink some water whenever he went into another fit.

“Violet, I believe Mr. Poe is walking towards us,” Klaus muttered to his sister, breaking her out of her inventive trance.

“Why would he be here?” Violet asked nervously.

“I’m not sure, but I found myself wondering the same thing.”

Violet found herself gripping the dense rock in her hand, and wondered for a moment if she could throw it at Mr. Poe and then blame her pitch on the fear that an intruder was walking towards them.

As Mr. Poe continued to walk towards the Baudelaire children he removed his top hat and asked them “How do you do?”

Violet smiled politely and reached her hand out to shake Mr. Poe’s hand, while Klaus just grimaced and waved at the man.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Violet replied. Violet noticed that Mr. Poe looked very sad, and wondered why he wasn’t at the bank where he worked. Klaus narrowed his eyes and wondered what had brought Mr. Poe to the beach. Sunny sat on the sandy beach and wondered if her four sharp teeth would be able to puncture Mr. Poe’s leather shoes.

“It’s a nice day out,” Violet said, hoping to make some conversation.

“Yes, it is a nice day,” Mr. Poe responded absentmindedly. “But I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you children.”

Violet looked down at the jagged rock in her hand and asked herself if she should’ve just thrown the rock at Mr. Poe when she had the chance.

“Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.”

Klaus, Violet, and Sunny just looked to each other but didn’t say anything. They may have been wicked children, but they did truly love their parents, as almost all children do.

“They perished,” Mr. Poe repeated, “In a fire that destroyed the entire house.”

Klaus stared blankly into the ocean. There was no way that Mr. Poe hadn’t misspoken. The Baudelaire parents couldn’t be dead. Things like this just didn’t happen to him. They were supposed to happen to other people, but not him. Mr. Poe must have been playing some terrible joke on the Baudelaire siblings.

“Perished, by the way, means died.”

“I _know_   what perished means!” Klaus snapped back, his hands trembling. The boy had to take a few breaths to stop himself from snapping at Mr. Poe again.

Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief a few times and began to speak again. “Nevertheless,I was sent to retrieve you three and bring you back to my home, where you’ll stay for sometime while I figure some things out. This means that I will be handling where you orphans will be staying and handling your enormous fortune, which Violet will inherit when she comes of age. Until then, the bank will handle it”

At the mention of her parent’s fortune, Violet perked up, a phrase which here means that for a moment Violet stopped grieving about her dead parents and instead began to think of all of the things she could do with a fortune.

“Come with me children,” Mr. Poe said, and held out his hand. Violet grabbed Mr. Poe’s hand, while Klaus picked up Sunny and grabbed Violet’s hand. They stepped into Mr. Poe's shabby car and began the long drive to the Poe residence.


	2. The Terrible Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Baudelaires acquire a taste for misery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! The premise for this one is a bit out of left field, but I wanted to include a chapter about the Baudelaire's hatred of the Poe Boys, so Count Olaf will be introduced next chapter!

The phrase “a bad trip” is a very common one, and can mean a number of things. It can mean an unpleasant excursion you took with your family, or it can mean you suffered a bad stumble which has rendered you with a broken arm. In almost any case, however, the phrase “a bad trip” almost always refers to what happens to someone during a particularly unpleasant period of time in which they ingested some sort of hallucinogenic. Unfortunately, it is my sad duty to report that the Baudelaire children were now trying to administer “a bad trip” to Mr. Poe’s sons.

At first the Baudelaires had hoped that staying with Mr. Poe’s family would somehow be pleasant and fun, but Mr. Poe’s sons were somehow even more vile of children than the Baudelaires, and they were going to make their week at the Poe’s house miserable. As soon as they stepped through the door, they were peppered with unsavory questions from Mr. Poe’s two rude sons. The Baudelaires immediately detested them.

“So is it true that your parents got killed in a fire?” Edgar asked. 

“Yeah, is that why you were crying?” Albert pointed at Klaus, who’s eyes and nose were considerably red and puffy.

“Now boys, don’t be rude. Why don’t you go upstairs and help make the Baudelaire more welcome?” Mr. Poe suggested.

“They’re staying with us?” Albert asked incredulously.

“Only for a few days, Albert.” 

Albert grumbled and led the Baudelaires up the stairs and into a cramped dank room with two beds in it. 

“Are those going to be our beds?” Violet asked politely.

Edgar just scoffed before he replied. “No, these are _our_ beds. You three can sleep on the floor. I’m sure our father will bring in some blankets and pillows for you.” 

Edgar and Albert strolled out of the room laughing and left the Baudelaires alone in the tiny room. 

“There’s no way we can stay with them, Violet,” Klaus said with a sniffle.

“I’m not sure how anyone could raise children to be so rude.”

“Occido sed,” Sunny chirped, which meant something along the lines of, “There must be something we can do to make our stay here more pleasant.”

Suddenly Violet smiled darkly and surveyed the tiny room. She pulled her hair back with her ribbon and turned to Klaus. “I’m going to ask Mr. Poe for some migraine relief medicine, stay here.”

Klaus nodded and watched his sister leave the room. He wondered how feigning a migraine could possibly make their stay with the Poes any better. The only thing that could make Klaus feel better would be to see his parents alive again.

Violet returned to the room a few moments later, smiling triumphantly. 

“Did you get the pills?” Klaus asked.

“Mr. Poe gave them to me, and even better, he showed me his medicine cabinet!”

“Quomodo bene?” Sunny babbled, which probably meant something like, “What’s so great about his medicine cabinet?”

“Klaus, weren’t you telling me just a couple weeks ago that many hallucinogens could be created using common household medicines?” Violet inquired.

“Yes, but-”

“Well, I’m sure Mr. Poe has _something_ in his medicine cabinet that we could use to create a hallucinogen. I just need you to tell me what medicines we need to use,” Violet pleaded.

Klaus nodded, and a hint of a smile crept onto his face for the first time since his siblings had been sitting with him on Briny Beach. He picked up Sunny and watched as Violet led him into the bathroom and flung open one of the cabinet drawers with gusto, a word which here means that Violet was eager to watch the Poe boys get drugged.

“Is there anything of use in here?”

“I’m not sure yet.” Klaus carefully inspected all of the listed chemicals in the medicines.

“What chemicals would be useful to find?” Violet asked.

“Well, tetrahydrocannabinol or diphenhydramine would be good, but-”

“Ecce!” Sunny shrieked from atop the bathroom counter, which meant something along the lines of “Look!” She had a small bottle of a substance called “Sleep Quik” clutched in her hand.

Klaus quickly read through the ingredients in the sleeping medicine and beamed. “Great find, Sunny!”

“Will these pills work?”

“If we put about three pills in each of their drinks then Albert and Edgar should be seeing some pretty terrifying things by the end of the night,” Klaus answered.

“It won’t...kill them though, right?” Violet asked.

“I don’t think so, it should only affect their vision if we only give them three pills each,” Klaus replied.

Violet pocketed the medicine and the Baudelaire orphans returned to their room, giggling as they walked down the hallway.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later Mr. Poe appeared in the Baudelaire’s room to tell them that dinner was almost ready, and they should come downstairs.

“Of course, Mr. Poe, we’ll be down in a few moments.”

Mr. Poe left the room leaving the Baudelaires alone for a few more minutes. Klaus smiled darkly at his sister, who leaned over to him.

“I’ll go fetch drinks for the Poes and slip the pills in them, you just need to make sure that they’re all distracted,” Violet instructed.

Klaus smiled maliciously again and nodded. He quickly adjusted his shirt collar and glasses, picked up Sunny, and began his descent down the stairs. His palms began to sweat, and soon Klaus was experiencing the phenomena of having butterflies in you stomach. As you may know, having butterflies in your stomach usually occur when you’re around someone that you’re romantically attracted to, or when you’re about to perform in front of a large crowd.

Thankfully, Klaus Baudelaire was not attracted to either of the Poe boys, nor was he about to serenade them with any musical instrument. Klaus wasn’t even going to be the one to put the pills in the drinks, but he was still nervous. In all of his years of silently dreaming up ways to torture or cause his peers discomfort, Klaus had never actually done anything to them. He was never the type of boy to play pranks on other children, although drugging someone may hardly be considered a prank. Klaus had always been the type to silently watch and perceive what was going on in the world around him. The feeling intensified and finally reached it’s apotheosis as he reached the bottom of the steps. He looked to Violet one last time and walked into the dining room.

“Oh, Mrs. Poe, dinner smells delicious,” Violet complimented.

Mrs. Poe smiled and looked to the eldest Baudelaire. “Well, I hope it tastes as good as it smells!” She replied.

“Yes, Eleanora, you’ve really outdone yourself this time,” Mr. Poe added.

In actuality, Mrs. Poe’s dinner didn’t smell or even look that appealing to Violet. She had simply complimented Mrs. Poe in order to gain a rapport with her, a phrase which here means that Violet wanted to make sure that Mrs. Poe would trust her with handling the drinks served at dinner.

“Would you like me to fetch some drinks?” Violet asked, her voice sickly-sweet.

“That would be very kind of you Violet; I do believe we have some blueberry sodas in the fridge,” Mr. Poe said with a cough.  

She got up from her chair and hastily made her way into the kitchen. If she took too long to pour the drinks, the Poes would surely know that something was wrong. Violet’s heart was beating so fast, she was surprised it hadn’t come out of her chest. She quickly grabbed six glasses from the cupboard, filled them with ice cubes, and poured the soda in. Reaching into her pocket, Violet quickly found the six red pills from the medicine cabinet. She opened three of them into the last two glasses of soda and brought them out to Edgar and Albert.

“Took you long enough,” Edgar grunted.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure where the glasses were,” Violet lied effortlessly.

Violet once again returned to the kitchen and grabbed the remaining glasses, doling them out to each member of the Poe family and finally placing her and Klaus’ glasses in front of where they sat.

Finally, they began to eat. Edgar and Albert had tore into their food as soon as it was set down before them. They had soon completely drained their glasses and cleaned their plates before the Baudelaire children began to eat. The Baudelaires had waited, and were now slowly and deliberately eating their food as they watched Edgar and Albert.

“So, Baudelaires, what grades are you three in?” Mrs. Poe questioned.

“I’m in the sixth grade,” Klaus answered.

“I’m in the eighth,” Violet replied.

“Infaneto!” Sunny added, which meant something along the lines of, “I’m a baby, as you may have noticed, so I don’t go to school!”

“Are you two enjoying school so far?” Mr. Poe asked.

“Of course, the teachers this year are all very nice.”

“How about you, Klaus?”

“My peers and teachers are all extremely unpleasant, and I hate all of my classes,” Klaus responded.

“Well, on that note-” Mr. Poe was never able to finish his thought, because suddenly Albert started screaming.

“Dad, what are you _doing?_ ” Albert screamed.

“What do you mean Albert? I’m sitting right here with you.”

“No, there’s something wrong with you! You shouldn’t be moving like this!” Albert implored.

“Albert, I’m not doing anything,” Mr. Poe said, squinting at Albert in confusion.

Now Edgar was screaming too, and he was shouting and pointing at Mrs. Poe. “Why is everything so bright? It’s hurting my eyes!” Edgar roared.

“Eleanora, what’s going on? Did you put something in this chicken?”

Mrs. Poe just nodded her head no, her face white. Violet also pretended to be afraid for the Poe children, and her face became a mask of mock horror.

“Mr. Poe, should we...excuse ourselves?” Violet asked, feigning sincerity.

“Yes, that may be best while we handle this...situation,” Mr. Poe said. He immediately went into another coughing fit.

The Baudelaires practically ran upstairs into their cramped room. They looked to each other for a few moments and then began to laugh. It wasn’t a small chuckle, or any giggling like they had been doing earlier in the day, but instead to Baudelaires were laughing so hard that tears began to spring to their eyes. They could still hear Edgar and Albert screaming downstairs, and it just made them laugh harder.

If you had been able to witness the scene unfold before you firsthand, you almost undoubtedly would have been disturbed. Even now as I write this, I begin to feel queasy, a word which here means, I cannot bear to write about these children that take so much enjoyment from other children’s suffering. But I am sorry to tell you, dear reader, that this is only the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first time writing for the asoue fandom, and also my first time trying to write in the Snicket style. The chapters will probably skip around and there's going to be some weird stuff regarding the chronological order things go in. I'm not totally sure when I'll be able to update, I'll just try to update whenever I can. Finally, I'm not really sure what's going to happen during this fic, whether or not there will be any ships or how long it's going to be. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this crazy fic and please leave constructive criticism in the comments. (I'll try to respond to most of them.)


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